Act One: The Chaplain
Juicy deliciousness. As an attendee of a Catholic Secondary School, we are forced to bend over and submit to the sexual perversions of our faith on a routine basis - especially if you have a Religion class in your current semester.
Now, for everyone who keeps up on the news, after two days enclosed within the Sistene Chapel, the College of Cardinals appointed a successor to John Paul II. Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger of Germany was proclaimed Pope Benedict XVI, and there was much rejoicing.
But not everywhere.
Turns out Benedict Arnold here is what can be described as an “ultra-conservative”, and he is strongly against abortion, cloning, homosexual marriages, fair representation of women in the church, and all that wholesome stuff we were beginning to see around the bend. In essence, while John Paul II revitalized the faith, Mr. Eggs Benedict is intent on skewering it.
The Chaplain at our school, a man by the name of Nathaneal, was hoping that the new Pope would be from Latin America. A logical aspiration. Latin America is showing the largest growths in Catholics when compared with anywhere else in the country, and since it is underdeveloped, the Pope would strive to help the poor. He’d have a larger cause. The problem would hit home.
So, our Chaplain was quoted in the paper saying that this election of a Pope was a poor choice. All of a sudden, all of the snooty ultra-conservative Catholic parents start phoning up the school complaining because our Chaplain is a free-thinking man who had an opinion and decided to fully use his right to voice it.
Oh my God! Someone call Satan. We’ve got a sinner on our hands.
Seriously, those parents need to grow up. Although the Catholic faith has traditionally been a culture based off of fear and the “monkey see, monkey do” mentality, this is a new age. Wait, what am I talking about? This new age has been around for a long while. In fact, I believe it began shortly after the Enlightenment - OVER FOUR DECADES AGO!
We’re not all mindless drones anymore. Now, all of a sudden, because one man had something to say and - God forbid - said it, he’s getting a lot of heat from the school board, the school administration and the parents.
If they try to reprimand him in any form of suspension from his job, or even permanent removal from working at the school board, I (and I’m sure many others) will organize a protest/mob riot until he gets his job back. Nathaneal is a damn good chaplain and if you want to take him away, then you’ll have an angry mob to deal with.
And I have a pretty sharp pitchfork!
Act Two: Think Geek
Once upon a midnight dreary, I sampled the sweet, delicate tastes of Think Geek. And it was so delicious. So succulent. So citrusy…that I had to go back for more. So, Binks is co-ordinating a widespread ordering of goods - a mass exodus from the warehouses of Think Geek - where all us pals are joining together in one voice and saying “We want stuff!”
Personally, I am purchasing two T-Shirts. The first is from Penny-Arcade. It is known as their Jesus is F’ing Metal T-Shirt. The other is a Gamer shirt. In fact, that’s what it says on it. Gamer.
In addition to these delightful pieces of fabric to cover my nudity, I will also be privy to a top secret robotic design known as CanDroid. He is a fully posable robot (it uses ball bearing joins, I believe, for full 360 rotation). It also has magnetic footpads (ideal for climbing things) and two spring-loaded “pincers” for picking up and holding objects. He can also eat things. Wicked cool. I am going to put him in my locker, to hold stuff, and threaten people with his drunken taunts.
It’s going to be good. But, it’s going to set me back $60+. It’s a bit of a drag, but a sacrifice I’m willing to make for a small timespan of material happiness.
If you want to check out their merchandise, the web address is in the sidebar. You know, —-> Over in that direction ———————————————————————–>
Act Three: A Big Time Reporter Man
Wait, no. Perhaps a title not suiting this act. As much as it would lead you to believe, this act has nothing to do with being a reporter, being in the big time, doing time, or Tom Tucker and other Family Guy characters.
The only association with report contained within this post is “REPORT CARD”!
They’re coming out soon, but the great thing is I’ve received all my marks. Well, I haven’t gotten religion. Perhaps I should rephrase my earlier sentence to make more sense logically to the reader.
I’ve received all of the marks I care about. Go to hell Religion Class.
Often times, I wish the portable would be washed away in some flood waters that come off the field behind our school. Then, as it sails along the overdramatized rapids, I can wave happily and say, “God bless Canada!”
But sadly, reality doesn’t cater to my desires. Until I gain control of the world’s population with my CanDroid, I am left with but one leg to stand on. Well, one leg and a peg leg. It’s not real though. It’s made of wood. A wooden peg, to be exact.
So, onto my marks. Here’s how it stands:
Religion: ??? Comment: ???
History: 93% Comment: My teacher has claimed to ‘love the way I phrase things’ and claims that I “have a unique gift for words and expression that far surpasses that of my peers”.
Discrete Math: 99.5% Comment: I’m finally beating Andrew! Kick ass. With every passing test and assignment, his marks grow lower and lower. Soon, I’ll be able to kick him face first into the dust. The part I love so much is that I don’t even do the homework. Look at that mark! And this is the hardest math course in the school. Whoopie!!! With every good mark I get, Travis becomes more suicidal. He’s a fool though. Killing me would solve more of his problems.
English: 93% Comment: My English teacher wants me to become a published writer. Right now, the highest I can climb on the literary ladder is this blog. Sad, but true. It is an impressive and random piece. My three readers (assuming Brian still comes here) are truly devoted. I should pay them.
Should. But I’m never open to changing my routine.
Now that that’s all behind us, I guess I have to study for a damn religion test. It’s okay. I’ve prepped myself with plenty of towels in case my eyes start bleeding. Granted, studying for religion isn’t nearly as bad as being subjected to eye rape at the lunch table. But hey, Amy’s gone for several weeks and the deviant crimes will be abolished. No more sinful lust at the lunch table. We can eat again.
But seriously, Amy is bad news. She’s Cleopatra to Andrew’s Julius Caesar. It will only be a matter of time before Markus Binklus goes a little mad and stabs him in the Senate. And, when Andrew dies, he’ll exclaim “Et tu Binks? Then die, Andrew!”
Oh, speaking of Binkle, his day in the life of a student video is done. When he posts it on his blog, I’ll be sure to provide a link…although…in reality, he’ll be the only one to see this link.
Until we meet again.