Act One: Like The Halls Said
“I’ve got two jobs!”
Surely you can recall those commercials from a year ago, with the giant package of Hall’s Breezers hitting on women in a bar. He kept exclaiming “I got two jobs.” Eventually, he annoyed them to the point where they could resist no longer.
They rented a room in a dirty part of a dirty town. She seduced him. He removed his packaging.
And she killed the annoying bastard by popping out his individually sealed organs.
How would a judge react to that? Fire and brimstone? Or gentle reassurance that “it needed to be done”?
More importantly, why the hell am I talking about this?
My point is that, for the first time in ages, not only do I have a job…I have two.
As of Tuesday, August 23rd at approximately 5:00 PM I was inducted into the staff of Zellers Inc., provided with my very own crimson golf shirt and pouch. Now, I am part of the Service League at Zellers. With my red golf shirt as my costume, and a utility belt full of goodies, I run throughout the store helping the customers against my archnemesis - ignorance - and his twisted lackey - confusion.
While battling villians makes Zellers sound exciting, it is actually quite overwhelming. The Board is pretty laid back (I’m typing this post while working for the Board), and nothing is in order; this is exactly what is wrong with the government.
At Zellers, everything is meticulously planned, and filed on opposite ends of the store. If I want to go on break, I need to check the schedule in the supervisor office. If I want to find out when I work next, I have to check the schedule in the lounge. If I want to deposit some paperwork, I must journey to the customer service desk. If I want to take out an LRT gun, back to the employee lounge.
It is tedious.
Last night - despite my inability to swipe my card and gain admittance to the Bat-Cave - was okay. I got a tour of Home Entertainment, and worked on Returns for the rest of the night. Answered a few phones. It was a gas.
Within a week - it is written - I will be working in home entertainment instead of trolling the floor. The ladies employed at Zellers were impressed by my knowledge of electronics - particularly computer peripherals - and assured me of a permanent posting in HE. Indeed, I am Master of My Domain. The job will be good. I’ve already used a discount…to buy a belt at 4:45 that I needed for orientation at 5:00.
The thing I find interesting is, aside from my supervisor, I am the only male on the service team. The rest appear to be women. I’m pushing the boundaries. I’m changing the world. Equality for the sexes! Whoo! Male rights, biatch!
Act Two: The Fifth Animal
Over the years, I’ve had a lump sum of five pets.
Two of them came and went before my keen mind monitored everything around me like a security camera. They were Cain and Abel. I’m sure they were excellent dogs, but when my parents bought a house and birthed their handsome and intelligent first-born, they opted to get rid of the dogs.
After the birth of the less handsome, less intelligent second-born, they considered granting Jacob the same fate as Cain and Abel. Alas, it was surely a conflict of interests as far as maternal instinct was concerned. No, on the contrary. Instead of decreasing the family number by one, it increased by the same value. We got Marley, a pure bred golden retriever. She was an adorable puppy. Everyone loved her. Despite all her chew toys, she still preferred the big toe of Eugene to snack upon.
Marley grew up alongside Jordan and Jacob, and when they were born, the twins as well. The family had exploded into a group of seven (although not THE Group of Seven). Two parents, two boys, two girls, and a dog who had always been there. But the young girls weren’t satisfied. So, for their birthday, Anita purchased a cat. In a witty move, the young tabi cat was aptly named Tabitha (Tabi for short). The family became a group of eight, and the family was finally distinguishable from the artists.
But, Marley became ill and passed away. The cat is all that remains. While Tabitha is a lovable and adorable pet, she does not provide the same companionship as Marley once did. Marley was always there. She and I grew up together. The cat will love you when she wants to be loved, and entertain you when she wants to be entertained. Otherwise, she is apathetic to our very existence.
She cares not for the “food-bringers”.
And now, the fifth animal approaches. Puppy 109 at the Golden Breeze Kennels will, with any luck, soon be ours. In a few weeks, we’ll be bringing her home and raising her and the family will be eight once more.
The only conflict is over what to name the dog.
I’ve suggested that, since the events leading up to her choosing were so coincedental, we should name her Karma. I mean, she was apparently the most disobedient dog there, and she always squirmed when her breeder held her. Yet, when my dad held her, she was calm. In fact, she is calm in the hands of my mother, and sisters as well. Out of a litter of nine puppies, there was one female unspoken for (the same situation when we purchased Marley). The breeder wouldn’t let the “energetic” 109 go to anyone who hadn’t owned a dog before. 109 was even born around the time of Marley’s death.
It all seemed to click so perfectly. As if it were fate, or karma.
My mother wants to name it Sophie, which is the most uncreative name ever. She’s also suggested Zoey, which I may accept.
I have suggested Elly, June, Ada and Ava as names, but my mother refuses to budge. I don’t want the dog to be named Sophie. It lacks creativity. It is bland and common. I want a name with style. Rarity. Pizazz!
If you have any ideas for names, feel free to comment and make a suggestion. We need to make sure that dog isn’t branded Sophie…
For FREEDOM!