Well, it is now the 21st of January, and although we are now closer to Andrew’s birthday, I still spent the weekend celebrating my 20th with Andrew and Binkle in UW.

After another indifferent day of being the caped crime-fighter known as “Taxman”, the task was upon me to track down Binkle and make my way to UWP for an exciting birthday adventure.

I attempted to phone Binkle using the Blackberry (the one I am typing this post on) but I realized that his number was unknown to me.

So, the first adventure of the day began. Tracking down contact info for Binkle. So, I used the Google Talk feature of the Blackberry to contact Brian M. I asked him if he could check MSN for Binkle’s number.

Unfortunately, Binkle’s MSN, Facebook, blog and Google Talk did not have his number. So, I tried to check the UW Directory for his number.

Success!

He was listed. I had finally done it. So, I made the call. No answer.

Eventually, I e-mailed him through Gmail - a feature that I did not expect to work. After a trip down King St., and narrow avoidance of two traffic disasters, I arrived at the University campus.

Nothing terribly exciting happened while we waited the two hours or so for Andrew to return from hockey. An attempt was made to play Day of Defeat, but Steam continued to plague me with a virtual armada of errors.

When Andrew had finally arrived, Binkle and I were in a heated battle of 2 vs 2 Starcraft against some computers. Binkle, as was the theme of the evening, was experiencing difficulty with his resource management.

In the end, we gained victory due to some subtle influences to Binkle’s mining situation. We finally finished destroying the enemy.

At this point, I stopped typing with the Blackberry. Although, it should be made clear that due to the mind-bending science of RIM-related time travel, the Blackberry will make another appearance near the end of the story, which is when I begin typing the start of this story. And so, my post will exist as a circular loop, forever and always.

There was a brief debate between whether we would go to Mongolian Grill or the Mandarin. The debate was heated. Andrew and Binkle fought eachother in the lowest dungeon and on the highest peak. Eventually, Andrew pointed out the cost benefit of going to the Mongolian Grill, and - acknowledging that it was merely across the street - we decided that it was best.

And so, for the next few hours we engaged in mass gluttony, as we competed to eat the most bowls. All in all, I think I finished off the most, since I had 5 bowls worth of stirfry (the last one only partially completed), and I also had bowls of soup while I waited in line to get my stirfry.

But then again, Andrew should be congratulated for preparing and devouring an incredibly spicy dish.

But - in reality - Binkle should be congratulated…for being the only one to maintain his dignity while we were eating the stirfry.

Also, I’d like to take a brief interlude to comment on the state of men’s restrooms. Why do we get the short end of the stick? The restroom in this particular establishment was in a state of disrepair. The paper towel dispenser was broken open and the contents were spilling out. But - more disturbingly - there was a sign above the urinal that said it was currently not working. Nevertheless, the bowl was full of human excretion, and there was a massive puddle that had snaked its way from the urinal to the sink.

Disturbing? Yes.

I hope you weren’t eating.

After our meal, we returned to UW Place to engage in a few good Starcraft matches. We did a few games against computers, but Andrew had an insatiable lust for 2 vs 1 matches. His reasoning was that the computer often comes at you with brute force, whereas humans are more calculating.

To me, that translated to being “I like fighting you and Binkle, because I win every time!” Which - in essence - is the reason.

First, I shall recount to you what I coined as the Battle of Helms Deep.

Andrew - Zerg Jordan - Zerg Binkle - Protoss Let me just begin by saying that the starting conditions for this map sucked. It was a gigantic map, but we all started in the same region. We were all positioned in the top right corner, with my base nearer to the top, Andrew’s base to the right, and Binkle sandwiched between us.

As our bases expanded, we practically built into eachother. Binkle and I launched a few unsuccessful attacks on Andrew, and then he destroyed us. Incredibly quickly. I have never seen people get destroyed with such a small force as Andrew had. Of course, it got bigger with time. He had several mining bases (we all did), but they appeared to be working more efficiently.

In the end, Binkle was left with a few straggling buildings, and I was left with an unbalanced resource pile. Tens of thousands of minerals, and very little gas. I enacted the only plan that I thought would keep Andrew at bay.

I decided to use all of my minerals to build sunken and spore colonies around a single hatchery, that would continue to build drones. As Andrew attempted to attack - I thought - his forces would surely be cut down. In the meantime, I could build up elsewhere. He would assume that the reinforced base was my last stronghold, and spend all his time there.

Unfortunately, Andrew discovered my “salvaging our species” base on the opposite side of the map long before he attempted to attack my stronghold. It was actually quite funny. He had used a nydus canal on my base earlier. He had built it on my own creep, and walked enemies into the base.

On my “salvaging our species” base, I was cocky as to its survival. Andrew said that he was going to destroy it. And I said “What are you going to do? Build a nydus…”

It was mid-sentence that I noticed the nydus canal was already built beneath the mineral field. I cursed Andrew’s name unto the heavens, and begged God to smite him.

God did not. So, while I lost my opportunity to continue the fight, I will have you know that I obeyed all of the wishes of my readers by fighting beyond all hope. I stayed with the stronghold base, and killed wave after wave of his forces, until he attacked me with Ultralisks, and all manner of beasts. Eventually, I was reduced to running around the map and building hatcheries.

And that was that.

Operation Guerilla Warfare

Andrew - Terran Jordan - Zerg Binkle - Protoss

This is another match where Andrew wiped the floor with us. While it was not a notable game, there were a few choice moments.

By the end of the game, all three of us had lost our main bases. However, Andrew - being Terran - was able to salvage his buildings more readily than Binkle or myself. I had relocated to a floating platform base in the northern parts of the map, and - from my safe haven - I constructed fleets of mutalisks to attack Andrew’s bases while I tried to restore my mineral flow.

Andrew, however, had reinforced the mining bases on the right side of the map with tanks behind supply depots, and missile turrets. This was unfair…because it is an unstoppable defense. There was no way to breach it.

The most notable part of this game was Binkle’s efforts. Andrew had a base established in the north (in a region where I had been mining), and it was providing him with the revenue to continue his war efforts. While I was fighting Andrew abroad, Binkle - foolish as he was - entered into enemy territory and constructed a pylon. Then, he constructed a Forge. Finally, he spread his destruction over all of Andrew’s base.

He attacked Andrew…with photon cannons.

And won.

That’s right. Much like “tower rushing” in Warcraft III, Binkle advanced on Andrew with defensive buildings, and decimated his mining base. When they pointed out what had happened, all I saw was a sprawling field of photon cannons. I did not occur to me what had transpired until later.

To this, I say bravo Binkle. Your persistence is inspiring.

Nevertheless, Andrew thrived better than we did. He had a giant battlecruiser fleet, which I could not defend against. And since my base was on an island, I could not have ground units as easily dispatched as he could. So, in time, my mutalisks were cut down. First, by his battlecruisers. Second, by his newly built wraiths and valkyries. Though they did their fair share of damage, there were too many air units and missile turrets for them to survive. He had an engineering bay floating nearly offscreen in the bottom corner that allowed him to continue building engineering bays even after his base was destroyed. If I had destroyed it, I might have gained crucial moments to attack a base while he tried to rebuild one. But…alas.

It was a sad, sad day.

What exactly can Zerg use against battlecruisers? It seems everything I have ever thrown at them is cut to ribbons…Usually before getting a decent attack in.

Andrew seems to know what works best, and he often references what “the Strategy Guide says” (cheater). I mean…he knows the range - in map squares - of units. What the crap? All I know about guardians is that they have good range. I did not know that they can fire for 8 squares until Andrew mentionned it.

Damn cheater. Give me a strategy guide, and I’ll show you a swift defeat.

Retire For The Night

I went to Andrew’s place to spend the night. I’d brought a sleeping bag and a pillow of my own, and Andrew graciously offered me the use of his air mattress (which he had acquired in a game of chance and fortune). So, I set to work pumping up the mattress with the hand pump, like the pioneers of old, while Andrew filmed the ordeal in one minute snippets on his cell phone.

Victory was hard to attain, but eventually, the mattress was inflated. Andrew - who had not helped - had collected a few choice video snippets (complete with narration) and a few standalone images.

Within minutes, I was passed out while Andrew was doing his pre-bed routine. To date, Andrew has been the only person who has not voiced any audible complaint about the fact that I snore. And considering how much he complained about Shaun’s stinky feet at Beyond so many years ago, I thought complaints would have been numerous. Perhaps - in comparison to stinky feet - snoring is not that bad.

The next morning, I woke up around 11:00. However, I had nothing to do. I couldn’t connect to the Internet. I couldn’t play XBox without waking Andrew. And my Game Boy Advance was in my backpack (which was on the other side of Andrew’s sprawling room). So, I went to sleep…again.

We eventually got up at 2:00 or at some time late in the afternoon, after Binkle called. Uneventful Conclusion

We went to Tim Hortons and Sobeys in the morning. It was then that I began typing this very post (while the events were still unfolding). And so, we’ve come full circle.