PD1 has me going through an office politics simulation, where I have to endure artificial conversations with my co-workers Louise, David, Vivian, Amy and Melvin - as well as my boss Rhonda - in order to assess if I am capable of treating people with some semblance of civility in order to get a promotion.

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

The scenarios have me sitting in restaurants picking cookie-cutter answers to conversations that sound vaguely like poorly written date scenario flirting from the Gilmore Girls or some other show my 14 year old sisters would watch.

The PD courses were clearly written as a test. Those who can endure them to the end are the ones who are so insane that Waterloo just must have them. After all, there is only a fine line between genius and insanity…I guess UW is trying to work this one backwards though.

Update: Okay. Now all of my fake co-workers hate me because I decided to go to work from 9 - 5, despite the fact that the other options had me at work extremely early or extremely late. The damn thing says “The business is open 9-5. When do you work?” Well, since I don’t want to come in before the time it says my boss arrives and I also do not want to be late, I choose the only sensible option. And I get dinged for it. The exercise that followed had me making small talk with my bosses secretary in the form of some commentary about the fluorescent lighting.

Update: My co-workers are retarded. Picture this scenario: Your co-worker, Jim, e-mails you and says “I have this great new proposal. Check it out.” You notice, however, that in the proposal, he has called your boss - Rhonda - by the less than clever moniker “Princess Fuckface”. Do you:

a) warn him b) sit back and watch his career get fucked over

So, I choose to warn him. And you know what? He fucking hates me for it! What the fuck is this exercise trying to teach us?

Don’t help people, students. You want to stab people in the face and claw your way to the top. That’s business. That’s the right thing to do, you little fuckwads.

Update: Well, I beat the damn system.

Here is a tip that they gave me at the end.

_2. Do not take all of your sick days because your boss WILL notice. If you come to work sick, however, do not show it. Instead, look tough and stay out of sight. Show no weakness! _

Indeed. Do not let your boss be aware that you are a human. Should you be diagnosed with cancer or a metabolic illness, continue to act as usual or stronger than ever, so as to convince your colleagues that you are a humanoid machine built to fulfill your office duties. What if you are in a service job? Do people really want you phlegming on them over the phone? Or hacking in their face?

The PD1 advice - and flawed office stereotypes - have made this exercise laughable. It felt like a choose your own adventure book, or some sort of “dating sim” out of Japan.

Vivian was impressed with your proposal. Is tonight the big night? Are you going to slip your sausage into your co-workers nethers? Oh. But wait. Office romances statistically last 6 months. Do you want to put up with her for that long?

And, she stabbed you with a samurai sword.

Also, the funniest part was when it had me finishing up some sort of presentation, and I give thanks to my boss and co-workers for making such a great team to work with. Then my boss thanked her boss. And he thanked his boss. And that boss thanked the board of directors. And before you know it, everyone is rubbing the privates of the person sitting beside them and we’re having an office orgy.

Jesus Christ…