In March of 2006, I began the process of evaluating Nintendo characters to see who would make the cut into the game that was then known as Super Smash Bros. Revolution. Since then, the Wii has been released and two trailers for the game has been shown. We have received a lot of information, but not a final roster list. While this information is rumoured to arrive before the fall “˜07 release, it is not fast enough for me.
It is because of this that 3 dozen characters from Nintendo, Namco, SEGA, and other companies were put to the test. They were evaluated for compatibility and likelihood of appearance. And now that the tryouts are over, you are probably wondering, what happened to those who did not stand a chance?
Well, you have come to the right place. It is here, on this patch of barren earth, that the fate of those deemed unfit will be decided. As they stand, heads bowed in quiet contemplation, there will be a great stirring in the skies above. And when their punishment is decided, their dreams - nay, their very lives - will be shattered to fragments and cast into the winds.
You have left the Tryouts. And you are now witnessing the Judgment of the Damned. The Tryouts “˜07 Day One - Day Two - Day Three - Day Four - Day Five - Final Roster The Rejects
1. Your Favourite Pokemon
In my day, matters involving Pocket Monsters were a whole lot simpler. We had 151 Pokemon to choose from. And that was the way we liked it. We did not have these confounded 493 Pokemon. But, it seems that they breed like Rabbits (or, perhaps, the Pokemon equivalent). And, despite the fact that there are so many more than could possibly fit into a game like Super Smash Bros. Brawl, there are still people that insist on seeing their favourite little critters featured as playable characters. I have seen people insisting on many of the rare or legendary Pokemon as playable characters (Entei, Celebi, Jirachi), and even some of the more mediocre Pokemon from the first game (Caterpie, Diglet, Squirtle, Blastoise and Charizard in an Ice Climbers-esque tag team). The worst of the suggestions, however, has been to include Pichu, Pikachu, and Raichu as playable characters. It is the same creature. Exactly the same. Carbon freakin’ copy. If you are one of the people who want your favourite Pokemon to be featured in Super Smash Bros. Brawl, then the only suitable punishment is for you to be raped by that Pokemon 493 times. Get it through your head. No one wants to play as a goddamn Caterpie in a fighting game. No one even wants to use Caterpie in Pokemon. Sorry. This one is a no-brainer.Judgment: In order to prevent any additional Pokemon from being featured in Super Smash Bros. Brawl, all Pokemon are required to register themselves at their nearest Pokemon centre, where they will be euthanised like rabbid animals.
2. Your Favourite Pokemon Trainers
Everytime that I witness a suggestion for a Pokemon trainer to be included in Super Smash Bros. Brawl, I die a little inside. Doesn’t anyone try to rationalize their decisions for characters? What benefit could including a trainer have? They are not the main characters of the game. Do you know who is? I’ll give you a hint. The answer is in the title. That’s right. The goddamn Pokemon. And even too many of them is unbearable. Including a trainer would be pointless. What would he do? Throw Pokeballs? They are items in the game. Everyone can do it. No one wants to play as some whiny, pre-pubescent kid with no special abilities. It would be like featuring Napolean Dynamite in Super Smash Bros. Brawl: pointless and annoying.
Judgment: Pokemon trainers are to be permitted to carry on living in their Pokemon infested world, learning on a weekly basis about friendship, love, courage, compassion, and the unity between a trainer and his Pokemon. I give them about a month before they realise that they actually need to eat, and since Pokemon are all of the animals, plants, and inanimate objects, you can predict what will happen. Pikachu is going to find himself skinned over a camp-fire with a spiggot shoved up beneath his lightning-bolt tail and your precious Geodude is going to be flattened and cut down into your new granite countertop. But friendship conquers all. I feel sorry for whichever Pokemon is used to make porcelain.
3. Your Favourite F-Zero Racer
Another obsession I have noticed among forum boys online is that they have an unhealthy fascination with more F-Zero characters appearing in Super Smash Bros. Brawl. But why? Captain Falcon’s abilities were pulled out of his ass. He drives around in a racer for a living, and all of a sudden he has pyrokinetic abilities? And now, people want to see Samurai Goroh as a playable character. But why they would include him is beyond me. Not only is Samurai Goroh one of the worst F-Zero racers and a closet homosexual, he is a fat useless turd with absolutely no abilities outside of careening into the waters of Big Blue. What fun? I hope that his abilities can be reflected in his moveset. Is he even Asian? Or is he just a poser? (Note: Since I originally wrote this, Samurai Goroh was confirmed as an Assist Trophy, rendering him an unplayable character)
Judgment: All F-Zero racers - and their supporters - will gather in Big Blue for an ‘Extreme Amazing Super Duper Grand Prix’, at which point a nuclear warhead will be detonated by Captain Falcon, allowing him to claim the bounty on many of your heads, as well as the glory for having killed some of the most foolish people in the world.
4. Any Comic Book, Motion Picture or Anime Character
No Superman! No Batman! No Wonderwoman! No Neo! No Spider-man! No Wolverine! No Juggernaut, bitch! Even if it were not a notoriously awful idea to include live action characters in game involving video game characters fighting, you have to recognize that this is a serious breach of Sakurai’s criteria. You have to be a Nintendo character, or a third party video game character who has been featured on a Nintendo system. Also, you have to be a character that started in video games. So, since Batman premiered in Detective Comics, I am pretty confident that he is not eligible.
Judgment: Your favourite character - the one you have been praying will be in Super Smash Bros. Brawl - will be forced to be included in a trilogy of movies: the first will be directed by Paul W. S. Anderson, the second by Uwe Boll, and the third will be directed by John Woo. Now, I know that John Woo is amazing, but by the time people have seen the second two, the character’s reputation will be so ruined that no one will care about their successful rebirth, making this punishment all the sweeter.
5. Your Favourite Koopa Kid (including Bowser Jr.)
Another choice that I cannot fathom. I am willing to admit that facing off against Bowser’s illegitimate offspring was entertaining in Super Mario Bros. 3 and Super Mario World, not to mention the thrill I felt at their cameos in Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga. But do gamers really want to play as Ludwig Von Koopa, or Roy Koopa (pictured left)? Unlikely. Most of the Koopa Kids are not even used anymore (seemingly streamlined and replaced by Bowser Jr.). So, who wants to play as a defunct character? Not me.
Judgment: Simply to be locked into whatever subterranean cavern currently houses the long forgotten Koopa Kids. Or, if you prefer, the punishment could be to sleep with Mrs. Bowser, Queen of the Koopas. With children who look like the above, she must be quite a looker.
6. Happy Mask Salesman
It is a choice that I have seen heralded constantly as innovative and brilliant by many…yet…I cannot understand why anyone would enjoy playing as a hunchback old fool who carries around wierd masks. It is ridiculous. The HMS has no powers or abilities of any kind, and he has never been shown to harness the powers of his masks. So, you’d have a crippled old fool with a heavy backpack, who sucks. Hardcore. Doesn’t sound like the kind of character who is likely to hold his own against Link, or Samus, or Mario. So, why make him playable?
Judgment: To be forced to play the CD-I Zelda games for all eternity, as a constant reminder that there are some things related to Zelda that are not fantastic.
7. R.O.B.
Don’t get me wrong. I think that R.O.B. is an incredibly great guy, and I briefly enjoyed racing as him in Mario Kart DS. But the novelty for this kind of thing wears off quickly. Just ask Mr. Game and Watch. He knows. He has been down this sorrowful and depressing road before. The problem with R.O.B. is that he is a stationary object. The best they can hope for is to construct a stage around him, where he is a giant robot and he picks up chunks of the level and moves them to other regions (as he did in his games).
Judgment: Just death. Death. Perhaps the explosives that R.O.B. and his creator were constantly trying to defuse could be detonated, disintegrating you.
8. Daisy
Ah yes. Daisy. Luigi’s girlfriend. Princess Peach is to Mario as Princess Daisy is to Luigi. The only problem is, Daisy has been a damsel in a single game, and merely a seat filler in every Mario sports/party title known to mankind. Daisy has no meat to her character, and she is quite literally a palette swap of Peach (Daisy was an extra costume for Peach in SSBM). Lately, they’ve made Daisy’s face a little wider, and her hair a little different, but they are essentially the same. The only difference is that she is a brunette. And it is Luigi who is feeding her Italian Sausage, and not Mario. If you catch my meaning.
Judgment: Remember that one scene in Pulp Fiction where Butch Coolidge and Marsellus Wallace are in the basement of that shop. Yeah. You should be sentenced to what Marsellus experiences, except Butch shouldn’t save you, and Zed should have the stamina of an omnipotent being. Have fun.
9. Ridley
A character from Metroid. A novel idea. But wait a second. Isn’t Ridley a giant dragon. And when I say giant, I mean he fills an entire fucking room while Samus is a miniscule dot on the screen. Yeah. I can see that being a problem. While Bowser is only slightly larger than Mario (if we ignore whatever steroids Bowser was on in Super Mario Sunshine), Ridley is gigantic. He would take up the size of a small stage on his own. Also, the man has giant wings, and has been known to fly through space of his own power. How can you limit a guys recovery when he is a giant space travelling dragon. Bah. Bah I say. If we wanted characters that didn’t fit properly in the level, we’d all play in Giant Melee constantly.
Oh GOD! How would Ridley survive in Giant Melee?
Judgment: To live like Ridley. Every year (give or take a few months) you will be blown to pieces by an intergalactic bounty hunter. Your body parts will be found by space pirates, and after an extremely painful procedure, you will be reassembled or genetically regrown to your former state, only to be killed seconds after leaving that facility.
10. King Dedede
I hate this suggestion so much. King Dedede is one of the worst villains imaginable. I don’t care if he was created by the guy making Super Smash Bros. Brawl. It would still be an abomination. Most of his attacks (which are few) have already been adapted into characters like Kirby. Even similar attacks are found with the Ice Climbers. So, people are requesting a giant penguin character who is a pseudo-clone of Kirby and Ice Climbers, two of the least exciting characters in the bunch.
Well, whatever floats your boat.
Judgment: Go to Antarctica, and live with King Dedede’s brotheren until your genitals are either frozen shut (if you’re a girl) or have fallen off (if you’re a guy). You may then return to civilized society, where you will be hit by hammers until comically by a giant King Dedede statue. If this judgment sounds boring, it is only because I can bleed no inspiration from such a terrible character.
11. Geno
This puppet is some sort of spirit from the land of the Stars, sent down to help Mario and his motley crew with their quest in the Super Nintendo title, Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars. Unfortunately for all Geno fans, the character - and many aspects of the game - are owned by Square Enix. And, to be perfectly blunt about this situation, Square Enix has decided to be a complete dick about this, and never let anyone play this game on any Nintendo system ever again.
Shitty. Also, Geno kind of sucks.
Judgment: Due to your puppet fetish, you will be forced to play - time after time after time - any sort of Pinnochio games that have ever existed, no matter how terrible the licensed titles may be. In fact, just go ahead and play every ridiculous Disney release for the GBA, including the That’s So Raven and Lizzie McGuire titles.
12. Petey Piranha
Why is this guy so fucking popular? Fuck Petey Piranha. Fuck him straight to hell.
Judgment: Why don’t you just light yourself on fire, and then try to put it out in a giant vat of gasoline. If you somehow survive, then just sit in a big room with fumes from paint until you suffocate.
13. Dark Samus
So, Samus…but she’s evil.
A waste of space. Yes.
Judgment: Just play Metroid Prime 2 if you like Dark Samus so much. I wouldn’t expect her to be anything more than an Assist Trophy, if that.
14. Navi
A fairy that has a diameter of about two inches, engaging in a fight against people who spew fire, use swords, and can pretty much kick a fairies ass. Navi would be a terrible character, and this goes double for Tatl and Tael.
Judgment: “Hey! Hey! Listen! Listen! Watch out! Listen! Hey! Hey! Hey! Watch out! Listen! ring ring ring Listen! Hey! Hey! Listen! Watch out! Hey! Listen! Listen! Listen! Watch out! Hey! Listen! Listen! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! ring ring ring
I think you get the idea.
15. Zelda Species
There are people who would like to play as a representative of some Zelda species. A Goron, Zora, Oocca, Cucco, Minish, Kokiri, Rito, Korok, Twili, etc. I don’t know why anyone would want to play as one of these species. They are prime material for Assist Trophies. Nothing more. Judgment: See Punishment for Navi.
16. Poes
A ghost with a lantern. There are people who want to play as a ghost with a fucking lantern. “Just watch my skill with Fox, biatch.” “Oh yeah, well, my next move is going to be illuminating.” “What are you, a Spider-man villain?” I’m sorry. But a Poe wouldn’t even make a good Assist Trophy. There is no redeeming quality about Poes, except how fun it was to rip out their souls in Twilight Princess. Boo yah!
Judgment: You will either be bottled up and sold to some wierd gentleman in Hyrule castle, or your soul will be ripped out by a wolf and given to some strange metallic guy in Hyrule castle. Your pick.
17. Roxas
Roxas is from Kingdom Hearts II. Remember when that was on a Nintendo console. You don’t? Oh. Maybe that is because it never fucking happened. Some people just don’t understand the rules outlined by Sakurai. Must have started on, or been featured on a Nintendo system. And must have received its start in gaming. Roxas has never been featured on a Nintendo system, and is therefore ineligibile. Besides. He is third party. Don’t you think a third-party Kingdom Hearts spot would go to, say, Sora. The main character.
Judgment: Play Kingdom Hearts over and over, and listen to the sappy Disney message about friendship and love conquering all.
18. Andross
Andross is a giant head, and the villain from the Star Fox franchise. The problem with this is that he is a giant, planet sized head. I mean, seriously, he can eat Fox while he is inside of an Arwing. That’s pretty damn big. How do you fit something like that on a level, and not have it become inconvenient for everyone playing. Andross will most definitely be an Assist Trophy though. I think of him appearing in the background, and grabbing characters, and crushing them to death.
Judgment: Paint yourself in the colour-scheme of Andross from Star Fox Adventures. Then, walk downtown naked.
19. Mario Versions, Minions, Sidekicks, etc.
Raccoon Mario. Fludd Mario. Frog Mario.
Goombas. Paratroopas. Koopa Troopas. Piranha Plants.
Those annoying sidekicks from Thousand Year Door.
These are considered serious suggestions. I laugh, and laugh, and laugh. Doctor Mario was enough of a stretch, and I can see him getting the axe this time. Good luck, “Raccoon Mario”.
Judgment: Accept your lonely existence, and cry yourself to sleep.
The Tryouts “˜07 Day One - Day Two - Day Three - Day Four - Day Five - Final Roster The Rejects