Ugh…

Remember how I wrapped things up with the Personal Post?

Remember my concerns about not being incredibly awkward or stupid?

I failed miserably.

So, yeah. Got to CS 234. Class had already started. Couldn’t say anything.

While I was walking to MTHEL, I saw her coming down the hall and thought, “Hey, this is a good time.” But she was so far down the hall and I couldn’t figure out a natural reason to stop moving, so I didn’t say anything.

In class, everyone was wishing her a Happy Birthday. I stood mute. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I’m mentally retarded or socially handicapped. The point is that I was too shy to say anything.

So, I spent most of the class thinking of how I could wish her a Happy Birthday at the end of the class without sounding awkward. I’d thought of what I would say if anyone commented on it. “I waited until the end of the class so that she’d have some birthday wishes to tide her over until later.” or “I was waiting so that my birthday wishes wouldn’t be lost in the shuffle.”

Class ended. Everyone got up, but for some reason, no one was leaving the room. It was odd. For a moment, I thought that this was some sort of sign. I was supposed to say something then and there. People were actually blocking my way out of the aisle, with seemingly no reason for doing so. So, I waited for a minute to see if I’d be able to wish her a Happy Birthday without interrupting her conversation with some of our classmates.

Didn’t look like it was going to pan out.

My heart felt like it was caught in a vice. I couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t do anything. I stood there, waited, thought about how corny everything I was going to say was, and then I bolted out of the room.

So, yeah. Not I’m wandering down to the Comfy with shortness of breath because my crippling shyness has nearly destroyed me. Sat down in the Comfy. She walked by. Could have sworn she looked in. So, I thought to myself: “Great Granite*. Just great. What are your options now? Chase after her and be creepy? Hope she happens to come into the comfy and sits down nearby?”

I went to the MUO, hoping to distract myself from the whole situation. But it continued to plague my mind. Went back to the Comfy. She walked by again. And then an additional time. Seconds later, I saw Danger walk by and in an effort to actually not feel like utter garbage, I went and talked to him.

Ugh…what the hell is the matter with me? I don’t get it. In our class, whenever our prof says something sarcastic (as it is his way) I’m ready with a witty comeback in seconds. In any other conversation, I am never without something to say. But when I like someone, it is as if my internal organs just stop working when I try to talk to them.

I need to see a doctor. Get some anxiety medication or something. Ha. Yeah. That’s what will help. Being heavily medicated. Oh boy…I’m thinking I need a different kind of help.