Act One: Inspired by John Moore
In this modern age of illiterate idiots and writers who are sans-creativity, it is a wonder that the written word hasn’t been laid to ruin on some God-forsaken spire in the netherworld. The communication revolution that has occurred within the past few decades is surely to blame, as the advent of e-mails and instant messaging as left the populace incapable of stringing together subjects and predicates to save their lives. Instead, our vernacular has been watered down - with the filthiest of diluted substances - and we’ve been met with the birth of “Netspeak”.
Comparable to Orwell’s Newspeak in so few ways, Netspeak has simply riddled our verbal exchange with acronyms and slang, leaving the English with as much substance as a class taught by Ms. Aideen Moss. All this Internet jargon occasionally runs over into real life. Sadly, I have heard people say “Don’t worry man, I’m JK.” Some even go as far to use the nerd-gangster language of the digital underworld known as leet (l33t). Any gamers will constantly refer to serious “pwnage” or how they “pwned” someone. Then, students go and wonder why we are required to pass a Literacy Test before we graduate from high school.
Put your mental faculties to good use, and put 2 and 2 together.
Recently on CFRB, they were discussing how e-mail has single-handedly brought about a revolution of the English language. Needless to say, it is a rather negative revolution. The discussion focused on how the ability to send out e-mails, memos, etc. in the blink of an eye has left a generation with no ability to form a sentence. Many callers talked about how their bosses couldn’t form a coherent memo, and the “valid” excuse was that “There isn’t time for it.”
Isn’t time to learn your own language? Being able to get across your tone and meaning in a piece of writing is of paramount importance. Otherwise, you may form some letter or memo that will offend someone, or come across as complete gibberish, or seem like a hate letter when it is actually a joke.
Returning to Netspeak, you see that - when someone is joking - they often have to follow the block of text with the world-renowned “smilie” [:)] .
In today’s society, it seems a person cannot be an adept at his/her own language. Now that I have brought up this issue, I’ve decided to segue cleanly into Act 2.
Act Two: Plebeian Scribes
A brief visit to the community forums at Capcom.com has led me to believe that there are no good writers left on the planet. There are two fellows at these forums: n64nut and Renegade. When Resident Evil 4 was released by Capcom on January 11, 2005, it was met with great reviews. IGN gave it a 9.8.
There wasn’t a person who would speak ill of this game. Many said that the game brought “the series kicking and screaming out of its rut”. It was true. Although the pre-rendered backgrounds of the previous games had been a huge hit, the potential was available to move the series into full 3D. So, the transition was made, and people couldn’t be happier. With the release of Resident Evil 4, the series lost everything that made it terrible and retained everything that made it good. It was all there; an in-depth story, addictive gameplay, excellent weapon selection and most importantly, terror! This game can be frightening, whether you are fearing for your life or fearing where the ravenous Ganados (Spanish for cattle) will attack you next!
Over on Capcom.com, n64nut and Renegade were raising quite a stink. They didn’t like the story, and they made sure people knew it. The conflict was simple; Resident Evil: Code Veronica has some powerful last lines. Behold:
Flying above Antarctica in their jet, Claire reached forward and gently touches her brother’s arm.
Claire Redfield: Chris, promise me, please promise that you wont leave me alone again.
Chris Redfield: I’m sorry Claire, but it’s not over yet. There is still something we’ve got to do.
Claire Redfield: You mean…?
Chris Redfield: Yeah. It’s payback time. We’ve got to destroy Umbrella. Now. Let’s finish this once and for all!
The fighter jet speeds towards the camera, and behind them, the Antarctic facility explodes in a blast of nuclear splendor.
That was the last game released before Resident Evil 4. There was a prequel and an online game that didn’t affect the storyline. For half a decade, that is what Resident Evil fans were left with. They sat at their computers and debated about what would happen. How would Umbrella finally be defeated? Would Chris kick Wesker’s ass? What the hell had happened to Rebecca Chambers? Etc?
When Resident Evil 4 was released, it turned out Umbrella had been decimated in the background. Many were disappointed, but their ill-feelings towards Capcom were largely misplaced. Umbrella isn’t an evil terrorist organization where you can kill everyone and win. It is a multi-national company that excels in medicinal and digital products. It has shareholders, laboratories and innocent employees.
Nevertheless, the disappointed n64nut and Renegade desperately wanted to infiltrate Umbrella headquarters and start shooting people.
Clerk: Hello, sir. Can I help you with something?
Chris: I’m looking for the head of Umbrella. I’m an old friend.
Clerk: Okay. Take the elevator over there to the 71st floor, and walk to the end of the hall.
Chris: Thank you.
Chris would then fire several thousand rounds of ammunition into the poor clerk. A grenade would be forced into the mouth of the corpse, and detonated in a cinematic after Chris enters the elevator.
It was ridiculous what these people wanted out of a game. The government knew about the outbreak in Raccoon City because they nuked it. Unfortunately, they nuked a lot of proof they could have used in a criminal investigation of Umbrella. So, perhaps Resident Evil 4 should have been your character running through the Supreme Court offices looking for evidence and talking to District Attorneys. Exciting.
Killing Umbrella off behind the scenes was a damn good idea. n64nut and Renegade don’t think so. I am perfectly content to accept their opinion, even if I don’t like or agree with it. This isn’t entirely what annoys me.
My grievance with these two morons is that they are now writing an “alternate Resident Evil 4” that is so pathetic it makes me want to kill myself. They claim that it is better than the original. That statement isn’t a suicidal motivation, but actually makes me want to cry. The story they have created is full of plotholes, bad dialogue, corny one-liners, and characters who ARE DEAD! The bad guy they have penned into the “epic tale” is Ozwell Spencer, the man who started Umbrella over a century ago. Yeah, so, a dead guy is the big threat. Just let osteoporosis finish him off, and end your damn story. Retards! Or maybe the main characters can just surprise him, and give him a heart attack.
Chris: Spencer!
Spencer: Chris! AGH!!!…
Spencer collapses, and Chris riddles his body with bullets in triumph.
Hurray! It’s over. Literary sacrilege has passed!
What’s worse is that they aren’t writing in prose. They are using RPG Net Format. Here’s an example:
Chris walks down the hallway
Chris: It smells nasty in here.
Chris opens the door.
The worst part being when they try to get “wordy” and kill themselves in a mass of words. There are two scenarios: redundant writing OR “look, I own a dictionary” writing.
Redundant writing: Chris looked at the doors that lined the hallways as he walked down the hallway lined with identical doors, each door looking the same as the one before it. (I’m not kidding, I’ve seen something like this).
Look, I own a dictionary: Chris promenaded betwixt a doublet of monolithic stanchions.
Wow…did you even get to know those words? No, you’re absolutely right. Being extremely wordy without any creative skill whatsoever is fine. Provide people with a cerebral overload and they will not care if you are an idiot.
I’ll post an excerpt of their stuff later, when Capcom.com is working…
Later
